It came again

It almost got me last night. The dolefullness. The despair. I almost gave in. It came to a point where I was confused. I was crying and coughing at the same time. Didnt know whether to wipe my tears or soothe my coughing. Then, I gave in. I thought last night, that the sleep that I was going to experience would be same as many before. Going to bed, sobbing my heart out and waking up the next day with my eyes swollen. Telling everybody its a cold or an allergy.. when in reality it never was! I fooled so many of my friends like that before. But this despair has been following me on and off for the past few years. And then, I changed.

It was the same almost last night. Listening to music, thinking about things that have shaped so much. And suddenly, I couldnt stop the flow that my heart, my pained heart had engendered. Mom almost caught me crying. Thank God the cough was there so I pretended it was a cold. Then, I lay down. I didnt take those nose drops that mom asked me to. I just wanted to be alone with my despair. Let it attack me - again. And then, it stopped. Good thing I had my tasbi (prayer beads) with me. I just clutched them and felt the power. And then, it stopped. Had a somewhat peaceful sleep. This morning is different. No unusally swollen eyes. No moroseness that's extreme. I feel like I am powerful. I am flowing. Its like there's this aura of serenity around me. It's soo soothing. I am glad last night was different. I am SO tired of those nights when I cry myself to sleep and wake up, feeling so pained that even numbness hurts. I am glad it was different. Thank You God :)